Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Latest Harry Potter Installment - Not Really

This is not really about Harry Potter - this is my post-surgery-percocet-induced rant conjured up in the middle of the night between sleeps. I needed something to keep my mind occupado. It is all Michael's fault, since he started this in the pre-op room, talking about spells and posts, and things.

So - in my drug addled mind, the latest installment of the Harry Potter Series focuses not on the boys, but on Hermione Granger. Hermione finds unhapppily that after bearing the last of Ron Weasley's children - all of whom are half-muggle half-wizard, red-headed and funny looking, and certainly not as smart as she had hoped, to add insult to injury, she has a very big outie, instead of an innie from this experience. So she goes to the doctor, and finds it can be repaired surgically - it is called- sharp intake of breath - The Herniated Umbilicus.

Meanwhile Draco Malfoy has turned the boys to his team of malcontents- Harry, Ron, and the twins have all taken up ignoring their lives, excessive drinking of butter beer, and conjuring up the dark arts. After frequent consults with the ever loving Hagrid [rescusitated here for my own purposes] Hermione decides to rid her body of the herniation abomination, and has the surgery.

Ron misses it all as he is drunk on butter beer, debating the finer points of quidditch balls with his mates at a dive on Diagon-alley. So she leaves the children with Mrs. Weasley, and finds herself back in the deep dark library of Hogwarts, [goaded on gleefully by the Maggie Smith character] and conjures up her very own dark spell to get back at him - Operatius Umbilici Herni-eye of newt- an evil spell that sends random stabbing jolts of pain into the belly buttons of absentee fathers and husbands, at the behest of disgruntled wives.

Ok, all of that was apropos of nothing - I told you it was a middle of the night percocet induced rant.

The surgery went great. I did find out the hard way though- you know, as they strap you down to the table amid talk of intubation and which anti-nauseant and stuff they will use, and please pass me the 18 guage needle - she has "shy" veins - that it might take LONGER than the 48 hrs indicated on the information pamphlet to recover. And then there is that first attempt to pee. Not so fun, requiring 2 other people. And almost fainting, and finding out that they pump your innards with gas to keep the layers to fat and muscle apart. Nice.

So Gabrielle asked me what my first meal post surgery was. Well, if I recall correctly, which might be hard, given I was still half anesthetized and definitely drugged -

  • 1 delightful saran wrapped half of a white bread and turkey (meat of some description, anyhow) sandwich
  • 1 packet of low salt saltines - can you say ddrrryyyyy
  • suprisingly good coffee

All delivered on fine styrofoam in "Recovery"

So - following up on reading materials - the less than meaty In Style was consumed in the first 15 mins of pre-operative waiting. Heidi Klum is a Fembot for sure, those diabolical Germans, at it again. I did not read all the words in the National Geographic article on polygamy- only looked at the pictures [does ANYONE read all the words in NG articles?]

And here is something to think about. Did you know the following activities include using your ab muscles?

opening the fridge door
opening a pill bottle, ok, opening anything
walking
getting off the toilet
laying flat
standing
laughing, or not laughing
riding in the back of a taxi

Since "the stove" is considered a piece of heavy equipment, I am not allowed to use it for a while - a new one on me! but thankfully this also means I cannot use the vacuum, washer / dryer / you get the picture.

For those of you who had C sections - I salute you. This was harder than natural for sure. And I don't have a baby to try and breastfeed.

xo Kate

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