I have never smoked a full cigarette in my life [more than once repeatedly]. I eat organic everything, almost. I live a health-conscious, eco-conscious life. Ok, I drink too much. But I am a working mother of two, twice married with a decent brain and a good job, but sometimes hampered by lupus. So some slack is afforded [one hopes]. I give to charity (ok not United Way this yr, since they do not support the association that supports my son's learning disability, a conscious choice) [Oh God, was that it?] I open doors for people, I smile at everyone, I help the "Crossword guy" on the Subway, I fight for speed bumps on my street, I try to keep the laundry done, the freezer full, and my kids aware of their responsibilities.....
I even try to take photos of things that make me happy, enjoy the raccoon babies, and revel in each fresh veggie picked from the garden. I TRIED to ride my bike to work as much as possible. I REALLY TRIED to drink more Ontario wine.
For me, it is not about the lumps, the pain, the insanely invasive treatment (Hello, 18 guage needle into the centre of your boob!?) or the aloof doctors, or the treatment, however scarifying that all seems to be and you know it aint over till its over, pain wise.
Saccharinely, no, for me it is about my loved ones. I do not want to leave them. I do not want them to miss me so much it hurts like a physical ache or feel any such pain at all - even a twinge of a memory of an old hurt from when you were 6 and fell off your bike. I know what it means to miss someone so much it feels like the hole is the entirey of your body. Loss is the most awful of cruelties - total devastation. Knowing someone you love is in pain or will endure a world of pain is a torture unto itself.
Given my Catholic predilections, I also do not want to appear maudlin, because that is the sin of indulgence. But so many emotions swirl in a vortex - guilt - what did i eat or drink to bring this on? should i have looked harder every month? What? What? But, there is no rhyme or reason, it is a part of life as much for some, as walking to the bus, picking the newspaper from the step, sipping coffee, getting a B+ on a test. Pain and suffering, illness, is all part and parcel of this mortal coil.
So when trying to find something pithy to begin this newly realized version of my blog about the cancer - I find very little that is either a) proper english, or well, b) even vaguely funny. Either Billy Corgan - so the Smashing Pumpkins had ONE decent song and now he's quotable? or someone named TF2 "Take your lumps like a man Private Twinkle Toes"...from an age-inappropriate site I am sure I am now tagged by the RCMP for.
I have decided that I am going to embody the 21st century citizen and of course, blog on this trauma / drama in our lives. I find FB a bit too drivelly, these days - being "tagged" in posters of emoticons...and finding out who planted what in their garden. Ok, Guilty. I did that too. But speaking openly on one's physical illness, especially cancer, such a wrenching gut-wripping topic, well FB and all that seems pointless and vapid.
This is much better. Obscure but for those who know the link, and therefore more my own.
To those who have sent their love and prayers, flowers, thoughts, God Bless and thank you. I need it. And I need you.
For those who offer help, the list will be posted, and if you can accomodate, re food, laundry, child care, solace, singing, anything, we will accept.
I am in love with my life regardless of its foibles. I would not trade it for ANYTHING. This is it. And it is beautiful.