Sunday, October 24, 2010


Dark vs. Light. Two sides of the same thing, one negative, one positive when seen as polarities. But while life has polarities, it does not consist only of them. Life is mostly gray - it is more a mid range of good and bad, enmeshed.

So too with cancer, and my own and other people's reactions to it. Cancer is a dark hole, and abyss, a dark force, and surviving it is the light at the end of the tunnel. But cancer is also the thing in the body which much in some way be accepted. It is something to become accustomed to, at least while it is here. Otherwise, the embattled body is under further duress, a self-inflicted pain. The mid ground seems to encompass peace, as well as a fighting spirit to overcome. Complicated. Yes. But, seriously, what is not?

People too are not polar. Although, it is easier to understand and categorize when they are. Easier to demonize or love. Discard or hold up.

Various people are saying it's ok to be mad, depressed, angry. This sucks, so let it out. Other people are saying, don't waste your energy on bad thoughts, or trying to do things you can't.  Let only good spirits guide you. Rest. Don't lift heavy things. Also, try Vitamin C. Antioxidants don't help. Meditate. take walks. Eat what you want. Eat only greens and meat. Don't drink. Drink more.

The hardest question to answer is - How are you? 

A weighty question, and there is an expectation of an answer that will satisfy the requestor - either to know I am angry [ergo dealing with it, or perhaps depending on who is asking, not dealing with it] or perky [ and therefore probably in denial]. But truth be told, all parts co-exist, and I am both pissed off, and perky, and sometimes, calm.Which is not to say happy, but calm. And positive. I am a positive person to my core, have been since I was a kid. And it has seen me through some seriously crappy stuff.

It will get worse. There will be the days I cannot bear it, and they will turn into endless gray patches - full of pain, illness, suffering - mine and others, and there will be little I can do. Of course, this scares the shit out of me. I am petrified.Yes, I will lose my hair, my eyelashes, eyebrows. I may bloat out, get physically sick, unable to move. I will not taste food, will sleep poorly. I may not want to venture forth. I hate winter anyway.

But deep deep deep down, the Katy I KNOW is there, and she will get me through in one piece, and stronger than before. It is possible that this Katy is perhaps not one all of you have met yet, or you may or may not have seen glimpses of, but you will. I promise you that.

Katy's favourite colour really is not pink, it is gray. Every lovely nuanced and delightful shade.



Anonymous said...

Can't wait to meet more of this Katy!

Lots of love,

Anne Winch said...

Love you, thinking about you every day in all of the colours!

Anonymous said...

Kate, dear - I just learned about your diagnosis. I am pulling for you!

Hugs and kisses,

Sandra F.

Auntie Cake's Shop said...

thanks darlin! a work in progress, and a fightin battle. i plan on wreaking havoc on the rogue cells....