There is little doubt to me now that I have safely arrived at anger from denial, or thrash back and forth with some frequency. Or maybe it is just feeling sorry for myself. Fine line?
I am so angry - that for all I am and all I have done, it cannot simply come down to this. This cannot define me. I am angry that this enormous creature has landed on me. Right on my chest.
How dare this cancer come in and make my children quake with uncertainty and potential loss, cause my husband to lay awake nauseated and paralysed by its very presence - and cause me such physical pain? It seems to want to destroy the delicate balance of life that Michael and I crafted, working so hard to maintain our safe, loving happy home.
Worse, this hurts so many people beyond myself, and I am exhausted to think of the months ahead - and the effort required from so many people, and I fret what the cost will be. The trauma of the here and now, and eventually the long term cancer fatigue that the entire community around feels - I have witnessed it- it takes a village or twenty villages to propel a cancer survivor through. It is an exhausting proposition for all.
I am incensed to lose parts of my body. I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to wear those stupid hats, beacons from a mile around - Cancer LIVES HERE! or worse for me, a wig. I think scratchy, itch, hot. OK, I could stand to lose a few lbs, but apparently the opposite happens. You may put ON weight. Of course! Of course. Insult to injury.
Today, I was suddenly overtaken by a deep from the belly rage and I almost took the bedroom apart - it started with ripping a magazine to shreds, then moved to throwing the first aid box across the room, to pulling all the books off the shelf and throwing them too - tearing all the bedding off....throwing pillows.....Of course, physically, I know that will smart later on tonight. I'm not even sure it was even very satisfactory. Perhaps even a mite embarassing.
Why me? Seriously? I am hissing spitting mad. I dare not go down the path of who might deserve it, or whom to wish this upon. That is a dark road, full of enmity and energy sapping vitriol. I need to preserve and persevere. I need to pull the blanket closer, to keep out that darkness.
But in the end, I am going to take this beast down. I will keep what's mine. I will hold it all very very tight to what is left of me.