Friday, November 5, 2010

Chemo #1, from Kate

Yesterday, I went info the Chemo #1. Only 5 more to go, and I then I get to ring the big ship's bell - the clarion call to everyone in the clinic that that particular person has finished their last chemo session.  It rang while I was there, and it was a lovely sound...

However, I am not there yet. My body is at war internally with itself.

Once the chemicals had truly begun circling through the is what happened. I thumbed this out last night on the berry before falling into a heavily drugged sleep.

The muscles contract around my head as if to protect the neurons from onslaught.
A crushing tight band runs from mid back up spine and around jaw than around temples in a vice like grip. Blinding pain.
My abdomen is distended like a malnourished child full of gas and noxious chemicals and poison.
Today I have eaten pre-chemo a coffee and a quarter bagel and a really fucking good gluten free almond shortbread.
Post chemo a cup of tea, a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and tomato.
Mike read the crossword clues to me to see if could focus, since I was beginning to feel naseated by looking at words.
And then I hit the wall. No actually then I hit a freezing cold plain of water from a great height head first with a slap and was left gasping from the bottom of the pool seeing my world and its players moving and talking as from a great distance. Wave after wave after wave of nausea. Like being on a boat in the perfect storm. A roiling pot. Some noises unbearable; reading insufferable; food, out of the question. Water, barely. Requiring a warm hand mine and a cold cloth on my head.
Today, a much much much better day. Astonishing, really. Learned to self-inject the white blood cell stimulant. Met some more staff at the hospital. Heard the news that it is not HER2 positive - but that is for another day. Had a 4 hour sleep, and a full supper of lovely home made shepherds pie. Happy to be able to focus on the words on  a page.

Andy's advice yeterday, expect nothing good or bad to happen with the chemo, just take it as it comes. Tomorrow could also be terrible, I do not know. But I am very happen in my current now.

Tonight there are 26 wonderful women from my neighbourhood cooking for us together, at Supper Works. 3 meals each. To sustain me and my family and friends. WOW. We are amazed and exceedingly grateful for this gift. A lovely selfless thing to do.

As KD Lang says,

Love will not elude you, it is simple
I worship this tenacity and this beautiful struggle we're in

xo KO


Anonymous said...

hang in there Kate, am thinking of you.

Love terry

Anonymous said...

Supperworks was great, feeling so wonderful to be part of an incredible group of women - thinking of you lots tonight. xo


Anonymous said...

Hi Kate,
I'd have been at Supperworks in a flash - if only I could just flash across the Atlantic :-(
Sending you GREAT BIG, but gentle, VIRTUAL HUGS instead.
Lots of love from us all xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Kate, your writing is fantastic -- descriptive, colourful, and of course completely rude and irreverent. Missing you and sending you big hugs during this next stage, and wishing I could join you for "... a really fucking good gluten free almond shortbread...".

Or mac and cheese and Tom Beringer wine :)

XO Melanie