However, I am not there yet. My body is at war internally with itself.
Once the chemicals had truly begun circling through the circuits...here is what happened. I thumbed this out last night on the berry before falling into a heavily drugged sleep.
The muscles contract around my head as if to protect the neurons from onslaught.Today, a much much much better day. Astonishing, really. Learned to self-inject the white blood cell stimulant. Met some more staff at the hospital. Heard the news that it is not HER2 positive - but that is for another day. Had a 4 hour sleep, and a full supper of lovely home made shepherds pie. Happy to be able to focus on the words on a page.
A crushing tight band runs from mid back up spine and around jaw than around temples in a vice like grip. Blinding pain.
My abdomen is distended like a malnourished child full of gas and noxious chemicals and poison.
Today I have eaten pre-chemo a coffee and a quarter bagel and a really fucking good gluten free almond shortbread.
Post chemo a cup of tea, a whole wheat bagel with cream cheese and tomato.
Mike read the crossword clues to me to see if could focus, since I was beginning to feel naseated by looking at words.
And then I hit the wall. No actually then I hit a freezing cold plain of water from a great height head first with a slap and was left gasping from the bottom of the pool seeing my world and its players moving and talking as from a great distance. Wave after wave after wave of nausea. Like being on a boat in the perfect storm. A roiling pot. Some noises unbearable; reading insufferable; food, out of the question. Water, barely. Requiring a warm hand mine and a cold cloth on my head.
Andy's advice yeterday, expect nothing good or bad to happen with the chemo, just take it as it comes. Tomorrow could also be terrible, I do not know. But I am very happen in my current now.
Tonight there are 26 wonderful women from my neighbourhood cooking for us together, at Supper Works. 3 meals each. To sustain me and my family and friends. WOW. We are amazed and exceedingly grateful for this gift. A lovely selfless thing to do.
As KD Lang says,
Love will not elude you, it is simple
I worship this tenacity and this beautiful struggle we're in