As chemo #2 approaches, I find myself feverish. Not hot, but feverishly desirous to accomplish things - in fact so much so, it outwardly appears to Michael I am in better shape than before the chemo - more full of life and energy than I had been for months. Before chemo, the cancer was just sitting there, malevolently believing in it's own good luck at such a lazy host - I was tired a lot. Slept a lot. Now, I feel great energy.
Perhaps this is due to the fact that the take-down TKO comes again Friday. I am not afraid per se, of the sickness, which I know fully well means it is working, and I can feel its benefits. I don't want it, dread it, but I need it. It feels more melancholy that the real me, Katie - the energetic, irreverent, bouncing ball of life, is getting crushed. I am sad for myself. Not morose. Just sad.
I shaved my own head by myself in order to stand up to it, by myself. My good old soul music that paced me through divorce, each solitary evening after solitary day - booming loud and clear, now walked me through my own transformation. I wanted to do it alone. I wanted to be the first to see it. It is me, afterall.
I alone, have this cancer. I alone will walk this particular path, outrageously well loved and phenomenally supported, but alone. And Thank God for that. I would not wish this on anyone. This plague takes too many hostages as it is.
But the fever means action before the complete take down. Closets cleaned, "stuff" boxed up for Goodwill, even cleaning under bathroom sinks, summer shoes tidied away, Christmas crafts sorted....I am tired at the end of the day not from cancer, but from activity. Life. Doing stuff I like to do. It feels good.
Which prompts me to my TO DO list post cancer, things I will give a go to - and try, because I can. Because there will be a new feverish impetus - A Bucket List of a different kind - a Fill the Bucket List.
I will [try to]
- Learn to play the cello
- Learn to speak Italian
- Bake bread - once - so I can say that I have
- Write a cookbook
- Take up drawing and painting again