Friday, March 11, 2011

In light of things

In light of the world-numbing tsunami and earthquake in Japan, this might seem trite. Or perhaps apropos. Not sure.

Stepping back even briefly into the stream of every day life, which courses outside my home perpetually, the world from before, is proving to be a scary venture for me. Literally, there is a mental hurdle to make before stepping outside the front door. I do a lot of "consolidating" of tasks, hence fewer trips out there. I like my home, in fact I love it. It has been a haven and a comfort to me. Yes pain has visited too, crashing through the door, but comfort eventually banished it, and it feels safe for me.

Most of you know I am an extrovert in the extreme, so this is a whole new weird thing for me. A wee bit scared of the pace, the lights, the people, the expectations. Given what is happening all over the place - Libya, Christchurch, Japan, God, it seems wherever you turn - it seems to me [in this hypersensitive zone] - it is a scary place. You never know what is coming at you. You never know what will strike.

It might be about the hair, growing in, fuzzy, not normal. It might be the re-appearance of the TTC in my life. Scary anyhow. It might be the calendar, slowly filling up with normal things to do. I don't know. I do know this, that something deep in me is struggling with it. Not sure if it is safe to go out again, get tousled, knocked about. The cancer made me feel physically inferior, and wore me down to a nub. It took a bite out my chutzpah. It made me feel like a persistent open sore, with so many things that can jab, poke, infect. It will take a while I suspect to regain it.

I don't feel physically inferior anymore, given my ability to kick cancer in the balls. I am working out again, building strength for the surgery, and for my mental health. But still....something niggles. pokes.

My psychiatrist assures me this is normal - all part of the post-traumatic stress part of cancer - but we're not quite to the post yet. There is a mountain of stuff yet to go through, and be dealt with. Giants are felled by less than cancer.

More on this, later, no doubt.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, again, for sharing your insightful thoughts. Thank you especially for sending me a warm smile with your comments about your home. :-) I hope your home continues to be your haven. I think you are so much stronger than you know and I think your chutzpah WILL recover soon ;-)
Lots of Love V xx