Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Hard to Imagine

Dr. McCready let me hug him. It was a special moment for me. This man who cleaved me open and removed x amout of flesh deserved a hug. bottom line - he said there was still evidence of the cancer, 1.7 cm of one, and 4 mm of the other, and when done, he left  "clean margins". That is good. I am healing really well, physically. Flying colours.

Next, radiation therapy. Must be done. Clear out the cavities of the gunk. 5 weeks, every day. Cdn Cancer Soc. driver service, here I come.

It is hard to imagine that not even a human-gestational period ago I was just beginning on this path, with its twists, turns, free falls, and roller coaster rides  - and now I am expected to turn about face - and yell whoop whoop. Like the definition of irony. Hard to pin down, but you know what it means.

I am still stuck psychologically turning the Titanic around on a dime.

I am caught in this weird freaky surreal space with the additional bonuses of:

a) chemo-onset menopause (kids, if mummy is talking to you through clenched teeth...that is not good, walk away slowly.... and waking up in the middle of the night boiling hot, several times)

b) reduced close and improved long range vision - ie. $700 worth of new glasses

c) explaining to an insurance carrier "representative" - aka hired gun - what possible time frame might be considered for return to work - and realizing somewhere mid-conversation -  Oh no, maybe I am saying the wrong thing?! Should I be pathetic? Needy? Screwed up? Will they make me go back to work when I can barely leave the house?! Wait, do I live in the US or Canada? What? I am sooooo confused.

d) a complete lack of coherent ability to finish a sentence, reach for anything higher than the first shelf, or put on anything other than stretchy cotton without some degree of agony

e) throwing out my favourite dresses, since listing to the right up top ain't gonna work - thank God for the invention of the skirt - and I can't put it on anyhow.

Sigh. Big Sigh. It is hard to imagine, the life before, the life ahead. Right now, the current life is an acceptable level of everything. Healing. Calm. Focus. Support. Clean margins all around.

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