Thursday, June 9, 2011

The Radio-Active Curve

This is me. Raw.

Scarred, Burned. But at rest. It makes me very very sad to look at this picture, but also, proud of all I have come through, still standing. I see a roadmap here, to a new uncharted territory.

Radiation is all it is cracked up to be. Hot. Laser precise. Discomforting. Hot. Like a sunburn, but on the inside. Me, in my daily old man attire of big wide hat, flat chest, long sleeved shirts from MB and long pants...well I am not exactly fashionista of the month. But 100% covered from the demon sun.

But this transforming shape is becoming more familiar - regular bodily function resumes for some things - and tweaks are made for others.

I had a dream last night, that I had at the last minute to babysit for and feed my friend's tiny baby - and awoke from the dream - seeking the phantom skin, nodes, miracles, capable of such a feat. No wet nurse here, sorry. It was a slow, burning realization. So final. Devastating.

I have, I think, learned to pace myself better. Please note the adverb. better - than recently. I know that the "rest" has a new and significant place in my wellness path - resting - not sleeping - but being at rest, it works. It slows the mind, the body, and I believe, heals.

I am active when I can be - and rest when I cannot.  Radiation provides ample opportunity for fatigue and crankiness. Or that could be the menopause. Or the heat. I don't know.

I had a lovely impromptu chat with my friend Lesley this afternoon sitting on my front steps - talk of  future plans (ie A Future) for me, ripe with promise and ideas and elan, exciting, almost too much for this gal to get her head around. People really live out there, think, dream.

Soon, very soon, there will be need of decisions. The enemy will fall asleep, and I will slink away - and people around me with have the faith to carry me through that too.

But now, I need a rest.

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