Monday, September 5, 2011

L'Anniversaire, le cottage


I have not written in over a month. I was living in a state of grace in a calm, lovely place, far from home. It was a gorgeous spot, just north of Hunstville on Lake Waseosa. Ah, le cottage. Rest. Dark night, stars. S'mores with whipped cream. Loons. Serene. Off the grid. Ok, so satellite, and phone. But no internet. Amazing how quick we are addicted. But with 17 guests over 3 weeks, and campfires, canoeing, kayaking, we were distracted enough. ;-)

For some reason, I expected it to be a painless experience. But (here's a shock) as it turns out, the pain followed from Toronto, and laid claim to parts of me in the same fashion, regardless of my global positioning. I think I had expected it to be done by now, somehow, tidied up. To not interfere with my plans, my vacation. Indignation, frankly, that it is not over yet. But this is the old Kate talking, the one who looked for fast, expedient solutions to problems. Well this one is not a clear cut do-the-right thing fixer upper.

This next phase - a seemingly long path to recovery - is rife with indignities. Menopause, a short short fuse which could blow at any time, digestive troubles, and then of course the pain. Why do they not tell you about the long term memory of scars? I walked around holding onto my scar, regardless of my own location: grocery store, dock, historic village. Keeping me all pulled together.

Sept 2 was the 1 year mark of when I found the lump. I am still reeling from that discovery. The fear it left in our hearts over the labour day weekend last year it still resides - and can choke us both up. It has left a dent in our faith, I think. A fear to be hopeful, A fear of what next. It was also our 4th wedding anniversary on Aug 24th. We went to a lovely restaurant with the kids in Gravenhurst, where we ate local fish and beef, and enjoyed each other's company in "fine dining". Kids got all gussied up. Nice. Only 4 years though, it seems an eternity ago. In a good way.

We watched a french movie last night - Little White Lies, excellent. An ensemble cast, with some amazing acting. One character - well, he is wound tighter than a coil. I recall feeling like that at many points. The movie is about their vacation to he south of France while their friend lies dying in the hospital. I felt for them each, but at the end - one of them says to him - you always said life is for the living. repentance, forgiveness, living through the awful things.

So here we are, back in the land of school, work, living day to day. Keep moving forward.

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