It feels like I am walking through thick soup, my fingers sausage-like in their inability to grip. Dropped a few things along the way these past few days. Not nice. I wanted to be clear out and away from the last chemo to see if it was the chemo or the meds setting things akimbo. I now know it's the meds. The doc is going to lower the dose, we will monitor, and check in again on Monday. I am sure the symptoms will abate. You become attuned to your body in strange ways throughout this process.
Mentally, to cheer myself, I have indulged and allowed myself to think beyond the 3 month mark, as prescribed by Dr Warr. I am thinking of hot luscious summer, looking through a glass darkly, as the saying goes. These grey days make me half sick of shadows, also, as the saying goes. Although I do not have the luscious locks of the Lady of Shallot. Ok, a bit heavy on the literary metaphor, sorry.
In meditation class last night, we did some visualization, thinking of a favourite spot. Specifically, a place in nature. In this place, we sit and meditate. Just being in the space in our minds. When thoughts occur, or "busy" the mind, we place them into a pot in front of us.
I admit, my mind wandered a lot (I am a complete novice meditator) and images of the garden kept popping up, as I visualized myself doing stuff, pottering around - and I would dutifully put them in the pot. But eventually, I succumbed, and let the images unfurl in front of me. I love my garden, and know it's importance and significance to my mental health. I imagined planting seeds, weeding (I love it), doodling about - messing with this and that. As you can see, it's a lot crammed into a small Toronto backyard, but it's bigger than some/most, and we have been very crafty in our use of space.
Verdant veggies in the garden, every shade of green, so lush and lovely as they sprout up beside each other. The lettuce were an astonishing shade of yellow citrine (a GREAT word, citrine, so pretty). I was disproportionately proud to have grown broccoli. The green beans sprang up quickly, and surprised us with their pretty plump presence. My shady backyard, cardinals whooping it up above me...soon, we will be back there again.
Last year, we had broccoli, red cabbage, green onions, leafy and romaine lettuces, green beans, potatoes, zucchini, chard, beets, carrots, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, tomatoes and herbs. Yes, I am bragging. And I have dreams of chickens too - if the law permits, as we hope it will soon.Mmmmm... fresh eggs. Granted, there was no enormous crop of any of it, but it was not notional, it was real enough for a few meals. And what beats potatoes right out of the dirt, or raspberries right off the cane? Mea culpa, the red cabbage did not make it to harvest. I took out all my anger about recurring cancer on the poor red cabbages and the gone-to-seed lettuce with a big-ass spade. I completely hacked them to bits while cursing my fate. I guess the garden is where the yin and the yang combine for me, and allows for good and bad to commingle, safely, with no harm done to other humans.
But right now, I am just savouring these images, meditating on their loveliness, and looking forward to greener times.